There ain’t nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up with candy canes and balls
Those carollers have kept me up for hours
It’s Merry Christmas seeping through my walls

Now I’m no wiccan commie nut or nothing
But there’s one damn holiday that I can’t stand
It ain’t Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it’ll surely make a fool out of every man

If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain’t hammered it ain’t Hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I ain’t cock-eyed it ain’t Quanza
Joy to the world of Jack & Cokes
If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas
‘Cuz I ain’t ever anything but broke

Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are fucking infantile

I think we collectively as a people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world let’s buy some peace and quiet for a change
Before we spend it all on fucking toys

So… If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain’t hammered it ain’t Hanukkah
Fa-la-la-la-la GO FUCK YOURSELF
If I ain’t cock-eyed it ain’t Quanza
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone

Merry Fucking Christmas

(Hi Simon)